Begin Again

Every second is a chance to “Begin Again”

I keep thinking a blog will help me win my battle but I guess I’m just not the blogging type. Wonder who those people really are? They are very interesting. I’m quiet. Personal. Loving. Kind. Honest. Private.

Private… yet willing to put it all out there to either spur myself toward achieving my goals or sharing along the way to help others who struggle or are struggling when you happen to read this… find your beginning again.

You can do this!

You can!

I Can!

It’s a second by second choice. We all get a choice. Choose. And be okay with your own choice each second.

I stayed in my pj’s all day long. Yep. And I’m glad I did, so I could share, on here that with you.

Are you like me? You have a begillion ideas, projects, goals, plans… but you never ever get past pining it? Thinking it up? Seeing it in your mind but never ever in your space. Well then, you and I have a lot in common!

Do you have any sort of chronic pain? Yep, I do too.

Do you suffer with depression? My hand is the first one up for that question.

Do you feel as if you are letting not only yourself down but more so.. your children, your spouse, your family and or your friends? That’s me. Every single day.

Can you trace the here and now that you battle as a very private, closed off, hidden part of your childhood or something you have gone through or been through? Experienced? Remembered? Oh, my goodness, yes… that’s me.

Just last night. As I stood there brushing my teeth. I know, right, of all times and places how and why at that moment I remember a very damming memory that totally stopped me in my tracks.

It was as if, I was standing in the darkest night. No moon. No light. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t hear it coming. That black gigantic speeding train of a childhood memory.. as it hit me, I saw the light.

I stood there. I heard her say it. O heard her harsh, ugly, mean, hateful, hurtful tone. Word for word. And somehow, in that moment, it was as if I could look down upon myself, as a little girl. Innocent, loving, kind, quiet, not understanding why she was saying that and that way to me. Her daughter. I little girl.

Then I turned from looking at myself in the mirror, toothbrush so on… spinning away, flabbergasted at the sound of her voice and looked at my dirty, messy, cluttered, dysfunctional bedroom and that memory that I had somehow suppressed for possibly 40+ years was as fresh as the day she said it to me. And, it was as if my “Out Of Order Mama” ness… was finally understood by myself. In that one sentence. That one memory.

I felt ran over. Not just ran over but torn to shreds. Ripped apart.

I also felt as if this tiny piece to my puzzle was put into a missing hole that, even though there are many more pieces missing, that one piece made me see more of the bigger picture that makes me… who I am and why I am.

It’s sad, isn’t it?

Your mama’s suppose to build you up. As a Mama myself, I want my kids to be better than I was. Have better than I had. Follow their dreams. I encourage my kids constantly but not over obsessively. You would think with a childhood like mine I would over do it. Over love, over support, over the top encourage. I make sure I do the right amount at the right time and I never ever under any circumstances say anything that could hurt their feelings, heart or lives… like what I went through.

Wow.

I know.

That’s a lot after being silent for months.

If I ever find a way to share that memory that words could define our describe what that did to me. I will.

For now, just know, you are not alone.

It’s going to get better.

I fully believe that with all of my heart.

Here’s to hoping I start my beginning and share each step with you. To give you courage to achieve your goals and plans!

We’ll encourage each other!

And I’m quite sure our stories are going to be amazing ones!!

Every journey begins with a choice and a step

Are you ready?

If not yet, it’s okay, keep getting encouraged. You will get there! I promise!

Do you read a devotion daily?

I’ll share mine in a comment. I haven’t even read today’s yet. LoL The 13th was amazing! Eye opening. Heart opening. Glitter in a blink.

No one is really in order… they just pretend. I pretended at one point. I’m not pretending again. I’m going to be real and I’m going to be honest. Because, that’s what real people need. Not a fake someone that they’ll never be like. A real, honest, personal individual that struggles too.

So, you found me.

I think I’m going to start writing down those memories as they jump into my life now.

I wonder? Why now? What made that come back? What triggered that wildfire?

What ever it was, it must be for a reason.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Even the bad.

It’s 7pm now. I doubt I get any ground breaking tasks or plans done today but it was so good sharing this with you. Even though I was a bit vague.. trust the process.

So, where are you going to start?

I have a corner in mind. Yep, a corner. I like corners. They are not to big and not too little and can make a great starting point and be very instrumental in encouraging you/me to continue on in that same space to make it exactly how you want it to be!

I have many many many many corners!!

Let’s just focus and begin with one.

Tune all the others out for now. Keep them on the back burner on low!! So they are ready to start after we start and finish the first one. One at the time. Don’t think of it all at once. That’s how we freeze up with overwhelmingly impossible thoughts and never begin.

Visualize your corner now. Just as it is. Are you in that room? I’m not. I should go in there now while I write this. You too. Go to that room and take a picture of that corner you’re going to do.

Hold on… let me go get in there… even though I’m so comfortable right where I’m at. But , I need to be in there.

Do you have a notebook? Good. I do too. Grab yours and a pencil and I’ll grab mine on the way.

Begin with a new blank page.

Yep, mines a binder, so I can add more pages and more dividers! I need a divider that says “1st Corner” lol

No, I’m not in there yet… okay… I’m going. Now.